Alphabetically, Raccoon Comes Before Racism

There was so much racism on the internet this morning that I started looking at pictures of baby animals. There are lots of racist idiots out there and when I read about what they’re saying and doing, I just can’t even. I felt a bit sick. The complimentary hotel sausages may have contributed too. I’m now sitting in a crappy hotel room, drinking crappy hotel coffee, on a beautiful Florida morning when I could be out enjoying the beach, asking myself whether or not to write yet another blog about yet another bigoted idiot I just read about on the internet. I decided to write about baby animals then head to the beach for some blanket bingo. (Did they ever actually play bingo in that movie or was the whole thing just a metaphor for Annette Funicello’s boobs?)

I met my first Florida raccoon yesterday. She seemed like the adventurous type: out and about in broad daylight, collecting garbage for the treehouse pantry.  Raccoon mamas are some of my sentimental favorites so I was pleased to see them thriving here in the subtropical sunshine. Is Florida considered subtropical or tropical? I’m not sure—I’ll have to Google that. Anyway, there are apparently mama raccoons here that enjoy the heat and humidity as much as I do. Also, don’t make me explain why seeing raccoons during the day is not an indicator of rabies. Here’s a hint: it’s spring and mama has some hungry little cubs. Baby raccoons are called cubs.

Baby rats are called pinkies, which is simultaneously adorable and makes them sound like they look like your naked little toes, which they probably do. I learned this as I was confirming via the internet that raccoon babies are indeed called cubs. Rat was alphabetically after raccoon on the list I checked. I am trying to think of an animal that exists in the world that would be between raccoon and rat alphabetically. If I think of one I’ll let you know.  Racism is between raccoon and rat, which is unfortunate because I’d rather encounter a rat than a racist. I don’t know what a baby racist is called.

You know what else has cubs? Polar bears. I watched a documentary about polar bear cubs and their mothers recently. It was narrated by David Tennant, and since I am used to his Dr. Who voice, his actual Scottish brogue made it sound like he was talking baby talk about the polar bears the whole time. Why am I telling you about animals? Because racism sucks and I am so sick to death of seeing bigotry everywhere. Sadly, the news about polar bears isn’t much better. They’re drowning and starving because we’re melting their ice shelf with our global wahoo. Stupid humans.

There are some smarter humans around here. I saw a sea turtle nest on the beach yesterday. The turtle had dug a big hole, laid her eggs, and buried them in a pile of sand. Then some good humans came along and put stakes in the sand all around the hole with signs on them notifying people to protect the turtle’s nest by leaving it alone. It was a crowded beach but everyone had given the nest a wide berth. Maybe there’s hope for some of us. One thing is certain, some animals (like the raccoon) thrive under stupid human conditions by making themselves at home in our cities and eating our garbage, while others are just trying to survive extinction.  

In summation, Florida is subtropical, radiated tortoise babies are called hatchlings, and I’d like to “alphabetize” all the racist humans. That’s a euphemism. There are some animals we don’t want to breed.