I’m Not a Doctor, But I Play One on TV

Many leaders of the GOP are denying climate change. I don’t even know why. What is the advantage to the political equivalent to the ostrich sticking one’s head in the sand to avoid being eaten by a lion? Their mantra is “I’m not a scientist” as though a lack of education on an issue makes the facts of that issue go away. Well, John Boehner, I’m not a mathematician but I do understand that I still have to have enough money in my bank account to keep from over-drafting, even if I need a little help from time to time balancing the ledger. My lack of math skills has not absolved me of the responsibility to myself and my creditors. Maybe I can use the “I’m no mathematician” as an excuse with the IRS when they question me about not paying my income taxes.  According to the GOP’s logic, I don’t have to obey any laws because I’m not a police officer and I don’t have to pay back my student loans because I’m not an economist.

Um, yeah, so about climate change . . . a background in science isn’t required to understand that there is a historically unprecedented drought taking place in California, Boston got like 30 feet of snow last winter, and polar bears are interbreeding with grizzlies so their offspring are better adapted to warmer temperatures. (Nature is cool, right? They’re called grolar bears and/or pizzly bears. I like grolar bear better because they sound tough and growly. Pizzly sounds like they’re going to pee on everything.)  I’m not a scientist either but I understand that there’s some serious sh!t going down with the environment. I mean really.

Here is a list of other things the GOP is not: obstetrician, gynecologist, historian, archaeologist. . . I could go on. It’s interesting how politicians’ lack of expertise in these other areas has not prevented them from intervening on related issues. Some of those careers sound suspiciously like science-related fields. What if, in answer to questions about contraception or rape, John Boehner and his cronies said things like “I’m not a doctor.” Imagine the utopia of “I’m not a linguist so I can’t talk.” Despite all the issues GOP leaders aren’t qualified to speak on and do anyway, they’ve decided climate change is off limits and “I’m not a scientist” is a legit explanation. Can they just stop it with that and go ask Neil deGrasse Tyson for some help? Even Ed Begley, Jr. could offer up some decent pointers and he was in the film This is Spinal Tap. Maybe even I, a lowly Ph.D. in English, can provide some useful scientific data.

Here are some things I know, despite my not being a scientist: The earth is much older than six thousand years. Rape can result in pregnancy. Evolution doesn’t teach that monkeys turned into humans. The only time dinosaurs and humans coexisted was on the television show Land of the Lost (which was cool as hell when I was seven years old, but even at that age, I knew it was fiction.) Global warming isn’t negated because it gets cold outside. Come on, Boehner. Don’t be an idiot. I have a serious question: How did John Boehner ever get elected with a name like that? I mean, I’m no onomastician so maybe I’m not qualified to even inquire, but I was wondering, is he related at all to Boner from Growing Pains?

In summation, ostriches don’t actually stick their heads in the sand, I don’t understand interest rates, and John Boehner is not a chef, so I guess he doesn’t need to eat.