Q: Can Candy Join the Screen Actors’ Guild? A: Only if it Pays its Dues

I miss the old days when movies had people in them. Apparently, there’s a feature film in the works starring Pez Candy.  Yes, that’s right. The little plastic toys with novelty heads that open up to dispense terrible tasting sugared rectangles are getting their own feature. We thought films starring toys took product placement as far as it could go (LEGO, I’m looking at you), but no. Now we’re going full-on shameless cash-grab by asking candy to star in movies. The Three Musketeers is no longer just a tale of swashbucklers, it’s now about the chocolate and nougat too.

Of course this is problematic for so many reasons, not the least of which being that Pez is really more of a supporting character, and not a lead. At best, Pez could play a couple of minor characters in the retelling of a beloved toy-themed classic: Toy Story: Andy and the Pawnbroker.  (Because of licensing issues with Disney and Star Wars, the filmmakers would be restricted to using the Santa Clause and Frankenstein dispensers.) TSAatP, as this gritty Pixar reboot is known in fan circles, is a story about a grown-up Andy attempting to liquidate his childhood collectables for cash to pay Sid, his drug dealer. This adaptation of the children’s animated classic is directed by Oliver Stone and stars Edward Furlong as Andy.  Tom Hanks turned down a role in the project but Tim Allen is on-board. Unfortunately for Andy, his Buzz Lightyear action figure did not hold its value well because he threw away the original package. He gets a few bucks for the Pez dispensers though and Sid ends up in jail at the end.

I have so many questions about this dubious project starring candy. For starters, what if this abomination actually achieves The LEGO Movie level of success? How will Jimmy Fallon interview a Pez dispenser? How will the studio market the ancillary products associated with the film? Won’t they just be more Pez dispensers? Or will there be special movie-specific Pez dispensers? Will there be popcorn and Junior Mints flavored Pez candy. (I want to brush my teeth just thinking about how god-awful that would taste.) How will I know when the candy is sad? Can Pez dispensers emote? Where is James Lipton of Inside the Actor’s Studio when I need him?

Once the Pez project is completed, I am really hoping the producers will decide to make a movie starring my vintage 1975 Space: 1999 collectible steel lunchbox. Barbara Bain may be gone, but Martin Landau could do the voice of “Boxie.” Also, I am pretty sure someone could convince LeVar Burton to sign on as the director of this project if he was assured that the Roots miniseries lunchbox also featured prominently. By the way, there was never a Roots miniseries lunchbox. (I Googled it to make sure.) Who would make a product tie-in for a story set in the confederate south? That’s just nonsense. Unrelated: I am hoping the confederate flag on the roof of the General Lee, as featured prominently on my Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox, will get its own television show. YEE HAW!

In summation, my fingers are crossed that we get a Pez version of Dennis Hopper’s “Bowser” from the live action train wreck Super Mario Bros because there can never be too many tie-ins for Nintendo’s crown jewel. I'm only sort of kidding.